Pokémon became popular before I was a teenager, and I hated it even back then. The childhood version of me was already jaded by wasted years of collecting Pogs, Furbies, and all the other worthless crap that ended up becoming uncool just as I bought it. I knew that Pokémon would fizzle out and join its forgotten comrades in the back of the closet with all the other idiotic 90s kitsch that kids played with for two weeks before abandoning.
It was in good company
Lo and behold, the one 90s fad that I actively avoided due to my cynical distrust of fickle pop culture has clung to relevance for 20 years, and is now more popular than ever. In case you missed it, the Pokémon franchise has once again taken the world by storm, despite its core premise of capturing intelligent creatures from the wild and forcing them to fight one another.
“I give this game two thumbs up!” – Michael Vick
You finally broke my spirit. Go ahead and celebrate, you little bastards
Now, I was going to make this blog about my adventures playing Pokémon GO, the location-interactive game that has vaulted these poorly-drawn gremlins back into the limelight. I even downloaded the game. But the only progress I made was being led down the hall in my apartment to throw red and white balls at some sort of stoned aardvark-looking creature called “Drowzee” before it disappeared.
Presumably to find something to cure his munchies
The game tried to make me go outside, which is when I stopped playing. I go to great lengths for research, but I’ll be damned if I’m going outside. I stick to indoor video games because they actually have their own health benefits. In lieu of that, I figured I would revert back to the original idea of Pokémon – evaluating which ones would win in a fight.
“I give this blog two thumbs up!” – Michael Vick
To answer such a question, we must first establish some rules of the Pokémon universe that I’m looking up as I type. First, some Pokémon can evolve into stronger Pokémon, showing a tenuous grasp on how evolution works. There is also something called a Pokédex that I’m not going to bother looking up, but sounds like a registry system for sexual predators. That, combined with no knowledge of the franchise or its characters, will allow me to conduct a complete scientific analysis of every Pokémon to determine which one would win an actual fight.
Eds. Note – at this point Dan found out that there are 150 Pokémon. He swore repeatedly, then drank three shots of vodka in rapid succession.
Okay, lookit. Turns out there are 150 original Pokémon, and then several hundred more that came later as obvious cash grabs. I’m going to pick a few that I remember as a kid. I apologize if I miss your favorite obscure Pokémon, but really, I’m not sorry at all. Go have a good cry with obscure Pokémon 117. I hate that this franchise has made me write a blog about it and then tanked my first two ideas.
I hope you all burn in hell
Let’s get on with it.
Pikachu – I’m starting with this one because it seems to be the most famous, and I remember idiot kids making insufferable “Pika-Pee!” noises back in school. I should disqualify this character for that alone. Anyhow, Pikachu is a tiny yellow squirrel-thing that was apparently based on a real animal called a pika that is being slaughtered by the truckload in China. It looks not at all intimidating, but it can blast lightning, which is actually pretty awesome.
Pikachu isn’t that far-fetched, actually, if you combine a pika with one of many species of electricity-producing fish. “But Dan”, you might say, not realizing I’m not physically present, “what about all the pre- and post-zygotic barriers to a pika mating with a fish?!” “Relax,” I would respond, “I’m writing about Pokémon. I think the realism ship sailed long ago.”
There she goes, away from the land of inbred electro-rabbits
Bulbasaur – Bulbasaur evolves into bigger Bulbasaurs, and was one of three starters of Kanto, whatever the hell that means. It’s also a “grass type” Pokémon. I’m no Pokémon biologist, but I feel like a grass Pokémon would probably not match up well to an animal that can literally harness lightning. The entire class of grass type Pokémon is out of contention.
Sorry, Vileplume fans, your Pokémon is garbage
Squirtle/Blastoise – Squirtle itself seems useless, but it can “evolve” into Blastoise, which has water cannons that can pierce steel. High-pressure water lasers that can cut steel and concrete do exist, so extra points there. Still, these are “water-type” Pokémon, meaning they hang out in the water, meaning Pikachu would obliterate them with one lightning bolt. Water-type Pokémon are also out. Next.
Charmander – Charmander is a “fire type” Pokémon, which is not especially impressive in a universe where low-IQ squirrels can command the power of Thor. The closest we come to Charmander in real-life is the horned lizard, which can shoot blood from its eyes, which is terrifying, but I think lightning prevails here, too.
Jigglypuff – Jigglypuff sings his opponent to sleep by matching the wavelengths of his voice to the brain waves of someone in a deep sleep. Points for trying, but brain waves are electrical while sound waves are based on movement of air molecules, and they work at very different frequencies. Jigglypuff is clearly full of crap.
Mr. Mime – I’m not letting Mr. Mime compete as a matter of principal. All I’m going to say is that Mr. Mime seems like that the exact thing a Pokédex should be tracking.
It looks like Pikachu might actually win this. Who would’ve thought this dumb little merchandisers’ fetish would be so strong? Let’s pick one more, but I think this is in the bag.
Drowzee – Hahaha, no. The only thing this could beat is a bag of Doritos. Drowzee clearly just wants to chill, man, and philosophize about the meaning of life. He’s not winning this.
It says here that Drowzee has the ability of hypnosis. There are actually a couple of animals that can “hypnotize” prey in the wild, so that’s not that outlandish. In fact, one of the best known is the stoat, which jumps all over the place to hypnotize its prey…including rabbits, ones that look like Pikachu. Come to think of it, could any Pokémon beat an animal that can hypnotize its opponent? I don’t think so.
Did…did Drowzee just win this?
I think he did! Drowzee wins! No Pokémon – electric, grass, water, fire, whatever – can compete with the power of the mind! No wonder I couldn’t catch Drowzee in the hall.
Although to be honest, I wasn’t trying very hard
Anyways, there it is. Drowzee is the best. At least I hope he is, because I’m done talking about this.
Let’s see who the internet picked:
Apparently the Internet thinks something called Arceus is the strongest, on account of it’s a literal God Pokémon that created the others. It doesn’t show up in the first 150 though, so it doesn’t count. I’m sticking with Drowzee.
And Drowzee is sticking with Pizza Pockets
I hate this franchise so much.
Dan and Drowzee are off to Taco Bell. Email him at Dan@scienceninjas.ca to see a topic covered here.